Open your pants

Dancing together for the first time, the man turned to his
partner and said, “My dear, do you know the minuet?”
“Good gracious, no, I don’t even know all the men I’ve laid.”

Now young Tom, born and brought up in the city, was given
a chance to visit his cousin who lived on a farm in the
country. It was all very strange to him, particularly when he
went into the milking shed and saw all the cows attached to
the milking machines and the milk pouring out into the
buckets. As soon as he was left alone, he decided to attach
the machine to his dick to see how it felt.
Some time later, his cousin returned to find Tom writhing
on the floor in great distress.

“What the hell’s going on?” exclaimed his cousin.
“Help me, please help me. I stuck my dick in your milking
machine and I can’t get it out. This is the eighteenth time
I’ve come!”

“Well now, Tom,” said his cousin, “I don’t think I can turn
the machine off either, but don’t fret. We’ll feed you and
look after you. The good news is that it’s only set for a gallon
and then it’ll automatically switch off.”

Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee.
One turns to the other and says, “Your dinky doesn’t have
any skin on it.”
“That’s because I’ve been circumcised,” he replies.
“Cor! What does that mean?”

“It means the skin’s been cut off the end.”
“How old were you when they did that?”
“About two days old.”
“Did it hurt?”
“It sure did. I didn’t walk for a year.”

There was a skinny young boy who was constantly being
teased by the older lads in the village. One of their favourite
games was to prove how stupid he was by giving him the
choice of picking a 20p piece or a 10p piece. The boy always
chose the 10p piece which would send the bullies into fits of
laughter.

“See,” they would say. “He always picks the 10p because it’s
bigger. He’s so thick.”
On a number of occasions this trick had been witnessed by
the local storekeeper who eventually took the lad aside and
questioned him. “I’m sure you know 10p isn’t worth as much
as 20p, is it really because it’s bigger?”
“Of course not,” whispered the boy, “but if I stopped picking
the 10p they’d stop playing the trick!”

A simple young man is encouraged to broaden his
knowledge by learning how to parachute. After a few lessons
it’s time for his first jump, so that afternoon he and his
instructor go up in a plane. The instructor tells the man not
to worry because he’ll jump straight after him.
So the man jumps out, pulls his rip cord and heads gently for
earth. A moment later the instructor jumps out but when he
pulls his rip cord nothing happens and within seconds he
passes his pupil and plummets to earth at an amazing speed.

“Oh no you don’t,” says the young man on seeing his
instructor race pass.
“You didn’t tell me it was a race.” At that, he undoes his
parachute and shouts gleefully, “Last one home is a sissy.”

The number of children attending Sunday School had
dropped dramatically and it was thought that perhaps the
lessons had become too serious. As it so happened, a visiting
Minister had come to stay and the vicar asked him if he
would mind speaking to the children a bit more informally.

“Of course,” replied the Minister and he sat with the
children in a circle saying “First of all, children, can you tell
me what eats grass, goes moo, and gives us milk?”
For a moment, there was complete silence and then one
small boy slowly put his hand up.

“Please Sir, I suppose the answer is Jesus but it sounds just
like a cow to me.”

A group of young boys were always getting into trouble on
the estate so the local vicar decided to intervene and speak
to each of them about their behaviour. When it was
Johnny’s turn to go in, he sat down nervously wondering
what was going to happen. As with the other boys, the vicar
decided to find out how much the boy knew about God
and whether he understood the difference between right
and wrong. The vicar began with the question, “Where is
God?”
Johnny stared at him in amazement but did not answer.
Again the question was asked, this time more forcibly.
“I said, where is God,” he bellowed.
Frightened out of his skin, Johnny raced from the room, ran
all the way home and hid in the wardrobe. His older brother
followed him upstairs and shouted through the door.
“What’s happened?”
“Oh Tom, we really are in trouble this time. God has gone
missing and they think we did it.”

Grandpa and Grandson go out together for a day’s fishing.
At lunchtime, the man opens a can of cider.
“Can I have some, Grandpa?” asks the boy.
“I tell you what, son,” replies Grandpa. “Can your willy
touch your backside?”
“No, Grandpa.”
“Then you can’t have any cider.”
Later on, Grandpa gets out his cigarettes.
“Can I have one, Grandpa?”
Grandpa replies, “Can your willy touch your backside?”
“No.”
“Then it’s no to a cigarette.”
On the way home, they pass a newsagent’s and each of them
buys a scratch card. Grandpa wins nothing, Grandson wins
£2,000.
“Are you going to share some of your winnings with me,
son?” asks Grandpa.
The boy replies, “I tell you what, can your willy touch your
backside?”
“It sure can,” replies Grandpa confidently.
“Then go fuck yourself.”

“Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?”
“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”
“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird
next door.”

A young boy walked into a bar and asked for a bottle of beer
and 20 fags.
“Now, now,” smiled the barmaid, wagging her finger. “Do
you want to get me into trouble?”
He replied, “Not at the moment, I just want my beer and
fags.”

Class 3 have a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly
upsetting the other children and damaging the school
property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents
saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long
enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in
class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as
soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yours sincerely, Headmaster.”
When the boy’s dad hears about the expulsion, mum
suggests he goes upstairs and has a “heart-to-heart” with his
son and also explain what might happen if he continues
masturbating. So dad goes upstairs, into his son’s bedroom
and starts to talk to him.
“Wait a minute, dad,” says the boy, “I’m over here.”

At the end of the human biology class, the lecturer
conducted a quick question and answer session to check that
everyone had been listening to his lesson.
“You over there, the girl in red,” he said pointing, “which
part of the body becomes 10 times its normal size under
emotional stress?”
Flushed with embarrassment, the girl refused to answer, so
another student volunteered.
“The pupil of the eye, Sir.”
“Correct,” replied the lecturer and he turned to the girl,
saying, “Young lady, your refusal to answer my question
indicates three things. One, you haven’t been listening to my
lecture, two, you are obsessed with sex, and three, you are
going to be very disappointed.”

Father walks into his son’s bedroom to find him lying face
down on a life-size picture of Britney Spears.
“Son, what’s going on?” gasps his father.
“It’s alright, dad, I’ve got plain Jane from next door
underneath.”

The boy’s father was so disappointed with his son’s school
report, he decided to go and see the headmaster to find out
what had gone wrong.
“Well, I have good news and bad news,” replied the
headmaster.
“The bad news is that your son has discovered he’s gay and
he spends all his time pursuing the good looking boys
instead of studying.”
The father was horrified.
“But what on earth is the good news?” he stammered.
The headmaster smiled. “Well, the good news is that your
son has been voted Queen of the May.”

Two kids were arguing in the playground.
“My dad’s a better darts player than your dad,” said the first
boy.
“No he ain’t,” said the second boy. “My dad got the highest
score last week.”
“OK, OK, but my mum’s better than your mum.”
“Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing.”

Daddy was taking his young son for a walk in the park when
they passed two dogs humping. When the boy asked his
father what was happening he told him they were making a
puppy. A few days later the little boy caught his mum and
dad in the throes of sex and when he asked them what they
were doing, dad replied they were making a baby.
The little boy said, “Well, can you turn mummy over, I’d
much rather have a puppy.”

One evening father passed his daughter’s bedroom and
heard her saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped
to listen and heard her say, “God bless mummy, God bless
daddy, God bless Grandpa, bye bye Grandma.”
How odd, thought father, but he didn’t want his daughter to
know he’d been listening so he didn’t say anything to her. But
tragically, next day Grandma collapsed and died. A few
months went by and one evening father heard his daughter
praying again.
“God bless mummy, God bless daddy, bye bye Grandpa. No,
it couldn’t mean anything thought father apprehensively, but
next morning they received a telegram to say that Grandpa
had passed away in his sleep!
The household got back to normal and almost a year passed
before father heard his daughter again.
“God bless mummy, bye bye daddy.”
Absolutely panic-stricken, father stayed up all night, too
frightened to sleep in case he didn’t wake up. The next
morning he walked to work instead of taking the car, in case
there was an accident, and spent the day at his desk doing
very little but worrying. When he got home that evening he
collapsed into a chair, his nerves in pieces, and told his wife
all about the nightmare day that he’d had.
She replied, “You’re not the only one to have had a bad day.
This morning when I opened the front door I found the
gasman dead on the front doorstep.”